I felt like I was in a black hole. No light, no direction. Just lots of voices in my head saying, “what about this?”, “what about that?” We were Trying to decide about school for the girls and I wanted the big neon sign to flash in the sky telling me which way to go. I never saw that sign.
But I did hear God’s voice. I did get my answer.
It didn’t come the way I wanted or expected. Or in my timetable. How inconsiderate of God, right? I wanted to know So I could have direction and move on, focusing on other important things. God things. Right?!
What I neglected to realize was that the journey was the important thing. God is as interested in the process as He is the destination. For its in the process that my character is shaped, my heart molded, and my will transformed.
Here was my plan: the girls were going to have one more year at the amazing church preschool where they were thriving. Fabulous in every aspect: teachers, curriculum, administration, facilities. We had made awesome friends there, and our girls were learning in a Christian environment.
I would continue to work on MommieCan.com, do the new Bible study and launch it as an ebook at the end of the year. Whoo hoo! I was living my dream. Working in the mornings while the kids were in school, then focusing on them in the afternoons. I had it all planned out and it was perfect.
Except when we hit that bump in the road. Finances. Ahhhh….. Money. And that other bump….what happens after kindergarten? Are we going to keep dipping into savings, when we had made the decision not to live that way? Would we send Booberry to the public school where she would repeat a kindergarten curriculum all year? What was our educational philosophy and how did we want our girls to learn?
And so it began. Twists and turns. I could rationalize every decision. My mind would change, sometimes by the hour.
Then there was my plan and my desires. I loved the preschool where the girls were. They were like family. Booberry had been there 3 years, Pie only 1. I cried every time I thought of Pie not going back. I wanted her to have more time there.
And then there was “my” time. I had spent the past school year developing MommieCan.com and writing “More Than Surviving Moms”, a workbook/Bible study I was hoping to launch at the end of 2012 or beginning of 2013. Was I supposed to drop it all? Was this a season Of pruning….being cut back again, so I could bear greater and richer fruit later?
I tried everything I could think of. Selling jewelry and furniture; cutting back where we could. Nothing moved. Nothing happened. My mind was consumed with the decision but I had no clarity. All my other friends knew what they were doing next year for school, but I didn’t. I was frustrated to say the least.
Didn’t God understand that I “needed” to know….now??? Why couldn’t I know like the rest of my friends? Why did I have to wrestle with this decision?
Then finally it happened. I was drinking a cup of coffee, getting ready to do a lesson in Beth Morre’s James Bible study and I happened to check Twitter. Christine Caine posted something that hit me between the eyes. “you must let go of the old to embrace the new.” I just stared at it. It was like the heavens opened and God Himself was speaking to me. I just knew in my heart of hearts that this was a word for me. Time to let go of the old and embrace the new.
How is God shaping your character?
How is He shaping your will?
What in your life needs to be molded to His will?
Let me know, I’d love to hear.
Stay tuned for more of the story